, and took a nap. I dreampt I was fishing on the coast -- it looked like somewhere around San Simeone. I caught a barracuda, and had a running commentary about barracudas going in my head as I reeled it in, and lifted it into the air by the gills. It turned slowly into a mackrel. My boss today said he was going to come out tomorrow to "talk with me about a few things." My mind went wild! Paranoid, schizoid ponderings as to a possible list of things I could have done wrong, that he wouldn't talk about on the radio.
My mind raced: Somehow, my thought life and "real life" transposed and I told a bunch of people that I was hunting in the Bull Run with my slingshot; I left a gate open last night when escorting the FCC camp crew home, that someone was scanning channel 3 when I was talking to the bus, and I said something not PC and they called and harassed him; or the FCC caught the one "fuck" that slipped out of my lips over the radio; or that one of the bosses picked up on all the banter on channel 3 which is supposed to also be official business only even though it as late at night. That someone saw my bus enter road 10 late and night and reported me; that all my relays I've been doing on the radio are inappropriate and I need to be more professional; that I'm fired (a reason I haven't thought of yet; that someone was listening to channel 3 late last night, and I said something about the local people that they didn't like). (restatement -- but could be severe; that I wasn't supposed to talk to the owl crews, and that when I spotted that truck the other night I shouldn't've said anything -- (a distinct possibility); that when the ranger heard me talking about the badness of burning plastics, he went to T [the supervisor] and told him my political views were immature & inappropriate to a forest-service employee; that when I told that ranger about my hike up the butte, he told the supervisor and it wasn't OK for me to be trudging around like that; that since I was in a politically-sensitive zone, they'd been opening my mail and found out that I am hunting grouse; that I don't need to offer radio assistance to every person needing a relay, and that it is unprofessional; that there's something I said or did that offended someone or was unprofessional or inappropriate to the forest service or my position in it, and it was or wasn't on the radio, and that I'm in trouble, and must lose my position here -- and that I lose his respect in some way -- that's it.
I'm afraid of losing his respect in some way. I'm afraid he'll be disappointed in me for some reason. I'm not getting fired -- I'm not really scared of this, it's a smoke screen for me being afraid of disappointing some supervisor and having him "just live with it" but always thing lower of me, and I won't be privileged or "good" in his eyes after this. That's what I'm worried about. Nothing else. I'll just breathe, drink some tea, and relax -- how bout that.
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